sigh!

I HAVE THIS  FUCKING HEADACHE RIGHT NOW!!!!! This conversion reaction is just a pain in the ASS! ALLOW ME TO LOSE IT HERE. I'M EXTREMELY ANGRY WITH A LOT OF THINGS. OH GOD, I CAN EAT A MILLION CUPCAKES AND SOME MORE!

the company I work for is pampering me

How's that for a stet order?

Littmann!

let's do intellectual

We were divided into groups of 4 and was asked to come up with a new model of consultation in Clinical Communication. In our group, we were a mix of PhD (Dentistry), Pain Consultant, Clinical Coach and myself, a teacher. I had major contribution to the conceptualisation of this model but if there's one thing I'm proud of, it's the artistic visualisation of the finished product.

Lesson -1: Four heads are better than one. Being artistic is a PLUS.

shitty

So...

Dad is back in the hospital (second stroke) and mother's undergoing radiotherapy. I found out about my dad this morning from my sister but I'd like to remain calm and collected. Fretting won't help the situation. But I hate the circumstances. In fact, I have a lot of hate right now for "stuff".

I don't think I'm a good person to hang out with in the coming days.

polishing

Gelo noticed that I was cleaning and polishing crystals repeatedly in the past half an hour. I wonder what this means.

cancelled

We were tired to the nth level that we postponed gym-ming. We were truly good diet-wise that we ordered fish and chips and kebab. We deserve this once in a while.

filler

... and there are times you're like a nodding dog.

my definition of fierce

Most of the time, I think I'm like these flowers.

I want one

A music lover like me screams for a candle holder like this.

higher

Last night, we got home at half past midnight. Gelo placed first and I nabbed the third place. Runner-up was snatched by the duo of pretty young things that if it was the voting public deciding the outcome, the majority of British girls would swoon over them and text vote without a doubt. Gelo received not a cash prize but a slot in a music festival and I got a meal for two at one of the top restos in the district. Initially, we were thinking that we'd get moolah out of it, enough to buy some gifts to relatives back home when we embark on a month-long holiday to Philippines. As the night progressed, we realised that this wouldn't be the case. It's all for charity. We then readjusted our psyche and accepted that what we're doing was for the greater good. Supporting the Dreams Come True and Cystic Fibrosis Charities would be enough to feel excited about putting our talents to good use. Gelo sang "Feeling Good" and "Why God Why". I belted "Stars" and "Empty Chairs at Empty Table", both from Les Mis. We were received with warm applause and admiration.

There are three things about last night:

That feeling of being appreciated
That feeling of being part of a community (despite diversity)
That feeling of satisfaction from something other than monetary gain

I couldn't imagine

... another actor playing Tony Stark. It's not the effects that MADE this movie but Robert Downey Jr.

 

insight

Attending tEACH course at University of Cambridge was a revelation. Being multicultural meant a varying degree of thought processes. Although English was the medium of communication, it was apparent that some struggled to express themselves to get their points of view across. But they tried and every time they contributed their analytical thinking, it truly made sense. Making sense was in fact trifling because they did more than that. They're deeper than their will to communicate in English and more astute than the impressive quality of English grammar and pronunciation.

I learned that because a person doesn't speak good English, it means that he/she lacks depth and innate intelligence.

Madingley Hall, Cambridgeshire

I was adamant to attend the two-day session on tEACH (Clinical Communication) but because the Trust I work for paid a lot of money (incl accomodation and food for two days), I thought I might as well make an appearance. So I did (today's the first day)!

There are 13 other delegates coming from Brazil, Portugal, Antwerp, Amsterdam, Canada, USA (New Jersey), Moscow, Wales, Scotland and England. Most of them are clinicians (Consultants and GPs), academicians and then, there's me. It was daunting and intimidating at first but I realised that an educated person would know what inter-professional difference would mean and what respect is all about.

Aside from that, I was glad to have woken up this morning minus the struggle of finding the right English words at the right time. It certainly worked to making this first day experience less dispiriting.

watching Barbra

I still think Barbra is the ultimate ARTIST of all time!

That's not just the gay brain talking but the rational, sound judgement I usually possess.

(2006 Concert)

whilst driving....

I came across this establishment (see below SPICE LAND).

Grammar is not my strongest point but English is not my first language. Are we moving away from the society that takes pride from its cultural history of communication dominance across the globe? Is proper English really dying to make way to the new breed of written and spoken new-age linguistics?

I blame the life's fast lane for this.

dieting is hard

Lately, Gelo and I started to buy less and less of "fattening stuff" to the point where I open the fridge and there's nothing there but veggies, fruits and skimmed milk. There's also a point when I was so hungry that I raided the fridge and concocted something out of what's available. So I did a "special" fried rice with veggies and tuna (in can).

Lesson 0.000000001: When you get hungry, you'll eat anything. A bit of creativity goes a long way.

portrait

I'd look back in 30-40 years and chuckle with glee upon seeing this pic. I do hope that blogspot is still a thriving website ... to appease everything melancholic that old age affords all thinking beings at that time.

on a clear day I I I I I... I can see forever

let there be light - filler part infinity

like DUH!

These products remind me of home. But the most important thing about this is that it's just a matter of a little wait, patience and financial wising-up before my long overdue Philippine holiday beckons. Although I hate the v v v v hot humid weather of the country, a large part of my being longs for what she embodies. I had a conversation with this Deputy Manager somewhere in East Anglia saying, "Ryan, I left Philippines because it's too hot. I can't stand it. In fact, I really don't want to visit the country for holiday".

I can't believe someone's more devious and loathsome than I am.... or maybe I'm more obnoxious for being judgmental.

if only this is biochemistry

.... I could ace this business of losing weight and toning my abs with very little effort. But I'm not losing hope. I will get there eventually.

filler

When there's nothing else
to write about or when
motivation to write is at its lowest, it's
best to post a picture of a
bouquet of
tulips.

the view of longing

All I can do lately is stare. This is the view from the mezzanine level of Virgin Active Gym where, as you can see, are the inviting and alluring tennis courts. I should really start networking to meet people who share the same passion as I am about TENNIS. But I intend not to settle for someone who says, "I know how to play tennis". I prefer, "I'm really good at playing tennis".  It's a bonus when that person says, "I eat, breathe and sleep tennis".

One day, I'd find my Lito (my tennis buddy in London) in this neck of the woods.

filler

nomad

Seeing the amazing evaluations made me forget that I was fuming in the mouth early this week. I cancelled some of my clinical teaching sessions to prioritise the Trust's Mandatory Training. Of course, every thinking and sane commercial organisation would think that way because we are measured by national audits related to this. At the end of the day, I am just following order and in a way, I see the benefit of getting all clinical staff up to speed in terms of updating their clinical mandatory skills.

In just over a week, I racked up over 400 miles travelling North, East, West and South of Norfolk to the different venues across this challenging geographical terrain. The countryside has that natural way of appeasing mental rifts. Also, it made the whole learning and development arena a bit more interesting.

how to get noticed

Teach like you love doing it.

answers

The bottom-line is that I know he loves me and likewise. The person that we are may change because we share the life with the person we love and in the process, mould ourselves to become befittingly one. We ask questions because it's the sanest and bravest way to start qualifying what we have in that sense of mental evaluation not just through emotive virtues where love is humanly known for.

There are questions because sometimes the answers don't take the form we easily recognise when we're muddled by other things that occupy our diurnal routine.

questions

I must sound like a broken record as I keep on asking him if he loves me. Tirelessly, he'd say the words I'd like/love to hear. Then on reflection, is this healthy enough for the relationship to thrive and grow?

When do we know that we love too much and if we do, does that mean we lose much of the person/personality that we are/have in the process?

fascination

Last night, Gelo and I watched "Binibining Pilipinas" on telly (TFC) and this reminded me of my own keen interest on everything "beauty contest" when I was a young, impressionist, closeted gay teenager. I used to have bets... but this time, I was looking forward more to hearing how the top 15 candidates would fare in the Q&A portion (and not the swim-wear and long gown competition). As usual, they didn't disappoint. They're expectedly and amazingly disappointing to the delight of my egotistical nature.

It's really seldom that I come across a person that embodies the best of physical and mental attributes. I feel bad however that I feel good about myself for seeing (and hearing) how imperfect other people are. I wonder how I'd feel if I'm filthy rich, drop-dead-gorgeous, well loved and extremely intelligent. Would I be the happiest person by then?

still awe inspiring

 HOLT, Kelling


I was moderating some sessions during the day and in between that, I sat on a bench soaking in some sunshine (surprisingly) and mildly cool fresh air. A colleague passed by and said, "Ryan, you look like David No-Mates sat there on your own. Come and join us in the office". I replied, "Thanks. I feel like having my ME moment right now". She smiled and left me on my own accord.

I can say that this place is like my LONDON SOHO. They are polar opposites but both have impetus to drive me to reflect. This afternoon, I was trying to answer this question: Who am I?

a little bit of Sun is welcome

... just for the sake of wild flowers.

productive

I have always wanted to write a new poem and YEY I finally did it. I feel like I can go on with my Sunday and move out of this sofa now that I was able to write something seated deep down my psyche, my heart and my soul.

Gelo and I can go to the gym now with more motivation.

edge

My stare penetrates
the concrete walls, the closed doors
where I see nothing but a cloud
a mist, a smoke and everything translucent
with cogitation
intense perplexity
because we do
because we just do.

My stare wanders
the space of hidden words, the conundrum
of hifalutin, abyssal meanings
wanting a resolve, understanding
of fear, of doubt
that happiness is untrue
because we do
because we just do.

when it's an uneventful start of a Sunday

... you mop, vacuum, wash, scrub etc.

Then you cook lunch and then you watch telly and then you do sit ups and then you do networking and  then you reflect and then you feel something strange...

Then you eat chocolate.

PINAS (Pinoy in Norwich Aksyong Samahan)

In many years of living here in UK, I steered clear from the littlest of possibilities of getting into Filipino mini-governments for the reasons that concern time, effort and lack of selfless integrity. I just had a hectic life then and the last thing I'd do was sit still and listen to banters of people I'd probably learn very little of. If I do that, then I'd choose to be at UNI getting credits and the much needed learning of scholastic nature. But that's the perspective of fickle past and one thing guaranteed about human nature is being perceptive to change. And I am not an exemption.

Last night with Gelo's support, we decided to give back to Filipino community.

filler

we were that close to the "pot of gold"

If only that's true.

two months of gym-ming

poignant, articulate and ingenious (still at Biddy's)