past ... midnight.

It is not customary that I write at this unholy hour to convey my thoughts. Gelo would usually say that I must be anxious or depressed the minute I start an attempt at knitting words. I would want to rationalise this entry but there's nothing of great magnitude enough to justify this yearning. But then again, it's a lie to leave it at that vague and vacuous notion.

It is now properly morning and this PappaRotti Milk Tea I had at 10 pm is still raging into my system, denying me of a single yawn. I just lit the newly bought votive and its flicker is already of physical manifestation of reflection. It casts a little radiance to the outdoor plants across the opposite end of the balcony like a nuance to the other living things attesting that lonesomeness is relative. This setting is perfect because over a week ago, I just turned one here in Abu Dhabi.

Being a nurse that I am, I practise what I preach. I reflect.

One year of a major life turnaround is a milestone for some if not all. Doing a deep dive on this venture, I have nothing but ambivalence. Just like most of us, we survive life with resilience because that's how we are as beings. I feel, I am that with a bit of extra because truthfully, I'd labour to death in the UK and it wouldn't even touch the shadow of how I am remunerated here in UAE. As you are all aware, UAE work package for British expats is there to lure you at the expense of minor sacrifices like freedom and individuality.

Yes, money... most of the times supersede life's intangible pockets of oasis. You sway with the bursts of happiness it brings and like a drug, it takes you to the zenith of id fulfillment. The constancy of these ecstatic moments somehow patches the blur within your psyche that's longing for something that's ... this pesky niggling little thing you just couldn't name nor describe. Then I turn one and in my most vulnerable moment e.g. a minor fight with Gelo or a 4000 AED penalty for jumping the red light or a stream of heavy work demands or a worrisome news from home etc, and what you know about the beauty of your lifestyle pales in comparison with what completes you as a person.

My life here is a beautiful whirlwind. It assaults the senses and it justifies the major move. But I know deep down that I am more than the person I have become because I feel that there are other precious pockets of oasis in my being still left longing.

7 months later ....

Last year (2016) was abysmal in more ways than one.

The saving glory was the moment when the long wait for embarkation was imminent in its certainty. I kept the pandemonium at bay by praying hard and capitalising on both real and bogus friends; the latter for short-term, momentary release of anguish. Still, a dose of gratefulness to them for a snap of understanding that life's too short to be spent with nonsensical beings. On reflection, I learned to value the peace of mind being with great people. Some say, it is about being wiser as we grow older. Sorry I digress. This post is all about 2016.

I have to move on. Seven months down the line, I am surpassing my set of expectations for 2017. Same time last year, I busied myself with gigs and out-of-town shenanigans with people I care about. However, buried underneath the calm and buoyed-up demeanor was the black hole of uncertainty. I left my job that gave me enough joy goading me to serene and steady existence. I found the strongest motivation out of need to set up my own company and before it could take flight, it was plagued with depression from the repercussions of wrong timing, bad judgment and generally, lack of emotional strength to forge ahead from the grasps of corporate torture. Corporate is perhaps the right terminology. To battle against the higher beings that occupy the top echelon of management is draining and as proven, pointless. The ripple effects travel across the bureaucratic systems and containment becomes a herculean task. You win or lose, it leaves you a marked man. It was the very same script of life that pulled me down despite a favourable outcome. Sometimes, you just have to walk away with head held up high facing for the first time, the many directions of possibilities.

Same time last year, my father passed away. Words would never ever account the immeasurable pain and torment. It was such a great relief that constancy of great people around me help assuage the sufferings. Then GOD had other greater plans. I found offers of job from universities and various health organisations. I found myself having to choose until the offer of life away from home beckoned. I took it as a sign that momentary respite from familiar settings would be fresh.

Abu Dhabi is a fleeting moment but I am grateful.

Dear Pey

"Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.

And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.

And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance"

Kahlil Gibran

For my beautiful SISTER P Marquez Mayor

You are loved and will always be loved. Your pain, no matter how excruciating and emotionally debilitating, is our pain too. We feel your affliction and tribulation. Your daughter was beautiful ... and will always be beautiful forever in the arms of GOD. I am not going to rationalise because this Earth, though her brief passage  to eternal life, is a fleeting expedition to an even greater journey.

We may not have been given the chance to see her grow up and be that beautiful image of your likeness, we know our memories will keep her alive forever. We promise that we may let go of what senses do not naturally perceive, our hearts and minds will embrace her as our dearest family. As for you (and Kelvin), you both will be given reasons for her passing but we believe that for as long as you both live, you know you were once proud parents to such an adorable girl... but in your being, you both will always be the longing parents and no one can take away the joy of eternal remembrance. 

We... your family, love you no matter what. We understand that our tears and affection may at times be inadequate but we will persevere to help you appease your bruised heart. Again, we unconditionally love you and your daughter.

In too much pain just as you are, 

Your family

A son to father to son

"For what is it to die
but to stand naked in the wind
and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing,
but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand
and seek God unencumbered?"

- Kahlil Gibran

My father was dying in front of me. Technology (video call) has made that possible as I watched him struggle with his breathing through rapid respiratory cycles in a minute with irregularity. As a nurse, I have read articles about death, dying and palliative care but the practise of profession to your very own flesh and blood... a seemingly insurmountable challenge on its own was already proving to be an understatement. Then there's the nearly 7000 miles distance between my dad and myself with video clarity mangled by dodgy internet connection in Manila. The grief of seeing my father through the last stages of life was expansive where all I could do was scream through my phone to the invisible waves of cyberspace through to my nephew's phone and finally, my father's waning auditory perception.

I bawled like a child muttering "I love you Papa" a million times in split second hoping the incessant plea would be heard even once to help appease his suffering. I always believe that my critical acuity in nursing care is sharp but at that moment, I was my father's son hoping that my love for him would be enough to apprise him of my desire to be with him in perhaps the scariest moment of parting. But my voice no matter how sincere with longing was betrayed by the mere fact that I wasn't there to hold his hands, kiss him on his forehead and reassure him that he's not alone.

I am surrounded by beliefs, debates and arguments about the afterlife. At this point, there are two things I want him to know: that I love him and that I don't have to look far to seek for him. I will always have that major part of him within me. The priest during the mass said, "Death is not goodbye". I agree that it must be true because I won't be able to say goodbye to the very being that I am now that reflects my own father.

My name is Cipriano Mayor III

You think, you act
Such tangency
In most ways
To mine.

You breathe, you live
Such parallelity
In deeds, certitude
To mine.

You bleed, you wither
Such interwine
In heart and mind
To mine.

I am not you but I am.

Farewell my beloved father, CIPRIANO MAYOR JR. 

pause. stay away from people who could potentially make you ill.

The problem with perfection is consistency. I agree that we have perfect moments, perfect day etc. But just like most of life's accessories, consistency is ethereal. Like today, it has been a "lovely day". The sun was at its peak beaming over the clear sky. However, I am indoors nursing a sore throat and vertigo, an aftermath of the violent "flu-like" syndrome these past days. I hate being ill. You'd say, "Boohoo! We all get ill". I say, "Keep it to yourself. I'd rather be infestation free". Only if I could.

Good friends are hard to evade when they show signs of flu. Fact is, you'd rather want to share the bug than be ostracized and alienated by the very few adorable friends you have in the community. Therefore, all we could do is just be imperfect. When you sense the beginning of a perfect moment, seize it. Enjoy it. Tomorrow could be another battle against "flu".

ID

Someday, I would be able to announce two exciting news. For now, I have to keep mum about it until something affirmative comes my way. If it does, that's when I'd have the mind boggling task of weighing in situations as to the path to take. Cliched but we always hear "Things happen for a reason". The latter is another episode I'd tackle when the right time comes. It takes courage to process the apologue so I'd leave it for another moment of blogging motivation. The important thing is the NOW and the coming months. However, I believe that if not for the changes in circumstances, I wouldn't be able to map out possibilities and capabilities. 

I just hope that this mugshot takes me a long way.

test

It's pushing to four hours since I left Scarlet. I am not worried about her predicament. I am more perturbed by the possible flare of impatience from my side.

Patience is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances (thanks wiki). For me, it is when pressing the ignore button to nincompoops doesn't work and you're left to bear with the ramblings that are of less interest to you. It is like the sight of tumbleweed for eternity and the only movement you get is ocular muscle action. People are not the only precursors of patience testing. In equal measures, it's sometimes the battle against my very own will.

I have been shop hopping in the last four hours and I'm finally sat here at Costa. The less palatable ham and cheese sandwich is a necessity to my burning stomach but given that choice, I'd prefer a home cooked meal. In my mini outburst of impatience, I called the garage to follow up. I was answered with the worst customer service communication EVER and I half-lost hope for humanity for a minute. I was fuming and ill tempered. I wanted to shower the man with expletives but my GMRC prevailed.

We always say education is the key to everything. I don't think it is. Education doesn't teach good manners. It only reinforces it. There's something primeval about human conduct, something of evolutionary nature. If you know what's good and acceptable for you then you apply that to others too. OH WHAT DO I KNOW ABOUT THE DEPTHS OF PSYCHOLOGY! My point is... this man grated my carrot and I nearly lost it.

I am a very patient human being. I claim that with persistence and conviction. However, I must be partial to what this man is going through right now. In fact, I cannot harass him for Scarlet is under his care. If I don't play my cards right, my wait could be forever and I could be here in Costa until I grow roots. Badly, my phone is down to 30% and that's an apocalypse waiting to happen. Now that's pushing patience down the cliff.

imperfect

We bought the car last mid January. In just a matter of few weeks, its snazzy parking brake decided to demand for more attention and played dead. I know it isn't the life and death of my Scarlet but like us having this niggling pain, we attend to it. If you happen to be a hypochondriac like me, you assume of severe afflictions if not inevitable sudden death. I dropped Scarlet off the motors garage and leisurely scoured the vicinity for breakfast. I found McDo. Unsure of Scarlet's healing process, I decided to feast on a calorific brekkie: a massive double mcmuffin and a latte.

Few weeks ago, I had this recurring abdominal pain and being a nurse myself, I knew it was caused by stress. Life is never clear of stresses and that's the law of living. I had my blood test and few days ago, I was told to take a triad of pills for gastritis. Like Scarlet, I am imperfect, damaged (thanks Allegiant for the term) and human enough. Another call from the GP confirmed with me that I have thallasaemia. I was diagnosed of this years ago and never had a moment of worry until this doctor told me that there could be a bit of haemolysis going on within my system (my iron levels being high) ... and added that my liver enzymes were a bit elevated. He asked me to have another blood test in a couple of weeks and booked me for an ultrasound of the liver. Kudos to this GP, he was proactive in catering to my needs (if only most GPs are like that). Thre are so many things deviant circumnavigating my psyche and physicality at the moment that knowing the specifics of my being make it all the more fretting. Mortality issues just became my nightmare neighbour and there's no escaping  the process of attrition.

People seem to categorise me as this cucumber-cool person devoid of massive worries on earth. I may appear in control and a solution-orientated persona to most but like you, I harbour aches of holistic nature. Just like human, I am warned of substandard lifestyle but succumbs to it in a snap of a finger (McDo for one). Scarlet is undergoing her check. I just had mine. I am writing this blog not to educate my very few readers (two of them if I'm still correct). I don't want to be messianic and answer the world's question to people's malady and burdens. People know this sh_t already. I just want to ease a few burden off my humanity by self expression through blogging.

So there, I just felt better after eating McDo and idling the hours whilst Scarlet gets the pampering. In due time, I know I have a good 20-minute walk back to the garage and that's a massive dose of exercise I would be doing, enough to cover my past few months of sedentary existence.

groynes

In times of inevitable vicissitude, we default to life support mechanisms. Sometimes, you don't need the elaborate CONCRETE GROYNES that spread out and wide to interrupt water flow and limit movements of sediment. A few pieces of sturdy and reliable wood panels would suffice to weather the barrage of life's challenges until you are back up on your feet to swim against the tide.